Caloria ~ Triple Goddess of Potluck ~ Found Goddesses by Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D.

As anyone who has read the Vedas, the Bible, the Quran, or the Book of Mormon, or the words of the Buddha, Mary Baker Eddy, or James Redfield well knows, there's not a lot of humor in religious or spiritual writing. It's all Highly Serious. But the Charge of the Goddess tells us, "All ­acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be…mirth and reverence within you." We've found the love and we've found the reverence. I think it's time to find the pleasure and the mirth. It's time to lighten up. It's time to play with our goddesses (and a few gods).

Of course, we who live in these postmodern times still honor the ancient pantheons. The traditional goddesses are important to us-we pray to Hestia for a peaceful home, to Athena for success at the office, to Aphrodite for love. But who among the old pantheons can help us when our computer crashes? Who will help us decide what to take to a potluck? Help us find proper healthcare? Drive safely in heavy city traffic or on the freeway?

In 1988, Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope, a Witch and a linguist living "in extreme circumstances" in Nebraska came to understand that the "underlying principles of language and magic are transformational." Faced with the realities of the modern world, they invented new Goddesses and wrote a book called Found Goddesses: Asphalta to Viscera; the book is, sadly, out of print. At the turn of the millennium, inspired by Grey and Penelope, I started Finding my own goddesses and in 2003 wrote Finding New Goddesses: Reclaiming Playfulness in Our Spiritual Lives; my book is also out of print but still (hooray!) available on Amazon.com. From Acme, Goddess of High Tech, to Zombonie, Goddess of Taxes, the book is a romp through the alphabet and a parody of all those books that describe all those Serious Old Goddesses. Finding New Goddesses is not to be taken seriously!

Although most of the goddesses described in this column will be taken from Finding New Goddesses, I suspect that I may also Find newer goddesses.

Caloria ~ Triple Goddess of Potluck

Potlucks are vitally important to Witches and other pagans. Going to a ritual? Take something for the potluck afterwards. Going to a drumming circle or a croning? The folks are sure to work up an appetite.

But what to take? How to accommodate vegetarians, carnivores, omnivores, and ecofeminists? This gnawing problem is now solved.

True to tradition, Caloria is a Triple Goddess. Low Caloria, who is dwarfish and simple, is our Virgin Vegetarian. Although Her favorite dish is a casserole of brown rice, tofu, and lima beans, She has recently admitted that She is beginning to appreciate such gourmet fare as wild mushroom couscous and anything made with pasta, asparagus, or aubergine.

High Caloria, our Bountiful Mother, is luscious and delicious. Her greatest delight is to serve Her children the yummy cheesecake baked by Her high priestess Sara Lee, or any savory dish whipped up by Her high priestess Julia Child. She also adds a tasty topping of pure love to any of the treats that arise from the ovens and barbecues of Her many priests, who include Wolfgang Puck, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Emeril, and all the good ol’ boys on the cooking channel. High Caloria especially enjoys the glorious desserts created by Chocolata, one of the Found Goddesses of Ecstasy.

Eco-Caloria is She who inspires Her grandchildren to eat off of china plates and drink out of glasses and china cups instead of using paper goods. Thus does She help us preserve the virgin forests and the Styrofoam mines.
When we know we’re going to a potluck, therefore, we begin by invoking the Goddess Caloria as follows:

Hail, Caloria, You who freeze and thaw and bake,
Show me, please, what's the proper food to take?

To learn what offering we should lay on the Sacred Potluck Table, we next enter the Goddess’s Sacred Precinct and approach Her Sacred Cave. As we open the Door to the Sacred Cave and the Inner Light comes­ on, we take up our Sacred Plastic Lidded Bowl and look within for inspiration. It’s easy to know when the Goddess makes Her Will known, for then we feel the chill of Her Presence.
An alternative is to visit Caloria’s Sacred Marketplace and silently but hopefully worship at the Holy Deli until one of the votaries of the Goddess asks if he or she can help us. The votaries may, in fact, make suggestions. Proper protocol suggests the exchange of coins for culinary offerings prepared at the Holy Deli.
At the potluck, correct protocol is for every potential eater to carefully examine and comment on each offering. Then we join hands around the groaning table and give thanks to the Goddess:

Hail Caloria, rich and wise—
Feed my soul, but not my thighs.

Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California.

To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.